The runner's world

As I’ve previously alluded too, the runner’s world is a slightly mad one. 

Full of things which – in the normal world – are completely taboo.

These include inappropriately tight shorts, inappropriately short shorts, stretching limbs into weird poses in public, voluntarily getting up early on Sundays to run (madness), choosing cereal and bananas over 3 cups of coffee as a suitable weekend breakfast (complete madness), Vaseline-ing nipples/inner thighs (on long runs) and emptying ones nose in public.

It’s all very wrong.

Some of these things you have no choice but to buy into. The stretching limbs bit is unavoidable, especially when all the energy is running out of your legs. It's amazing how much you can get a sudden release of extra energy from pausing for 2mins to stretch your hamstrings out. Although I have learnt that using a park bench for this is acceptable, but people tend to give you looks if you use tombstones in a churchyard (which is annoying because the one's in Putney Bishops Gate Park church yard are perfect).

Voluntarily getting up early to run is also unavoidable, as it's the best part of the day to run and allows you to get on with the rest of the day ahead, with the added bonus of feeling very smug and virtuous.

Ditto re the cereal and bananas over coffee. I don't think there's any need to dwell on the vomiting-coffee-on-a-memorial-statue-of-Queen-Victoria incident in Berwick over Christmas.

The one I refuse to buy into are the inappropriately tight stretchy short shorts. Wrong Wrong Wrong. I don't care if they support your hamstrings, keep you warm, allow your skin to breath and reduce chaffing, they should still be illegal. Or at the very least they should legislate that if you are going to wear them, you should have to wear baggy shorts over them to hide the detail. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

And don't get me started on the runners who decide to clear their noses with the ol' thumb-to-one-nostril-and-blow technique... in public. Whilst running. And with little regard for anybody in the near vicinity. Gross and wrong. 

Although i did see a sunday walker's little dog be on the receiving end of this technique and the look on the owner's face as the runner flew by was enough to make me laugh. So maybe there is an upside to it.

It did occur to me afterwards that this was intentional by the runner. Runner's tend to fall into two categories: polite runners and rude runners. If you're polite, you let people know you're stuck behind them / their prams / their dogs with a polite breathless 'scuse me' and 'thanks' as you puff by.

Rude runners grunt loudly to announce their presence, push through anyway, sometimes swear at the the walkers, splash in a puddle as they pass and - if the walker has a cute fluffy little dog - evidently clear their noses on it for good measure.

I'm only a rude runner during the last 15mins of a run when my sense of humour, patience and energy has gone AWOL. I'll admit to grunting past people coz the thought of finding the energy to actually pronounce a word is impossible and have occasionally 'accidentally' splashed the odd puddle which will hopefully remind them to move quicker next time, but i draw the line at the nose clearing thing. So far anyway.

Maybe that'll change when i have to do my first 20k run a week sunday.

So if you're intending to go for a nice gentle walk on Sunday 8th Feb, you might want to avoid the west london Thames pathway. Or at least leave your dogs at home...

And the Award for "Best Song to Run To ever" goes to...

Now that I've done a couple of longer runs (i.e. over an hour / an hour & a half) I'm starting to notice that there's a certain process you go through on every run.

First 5 mins - feel v proud to have left house and hope you warm up soon

5-15 mins - hate it, wish you'd never left house and wonder if there's any way you can justify going home for a nice cup of coffee

15-30 mins - wonder when your legs will stop feeling so heavy

30-45 mins - constantly think about how much further you have left to run

45mins - fall into a stride, start to enjoy it, realise you might be able to actually do this

It's actually rather strange how I seem to go through this process of every single run. Having spoken to a couple of friends who also run, it encouraging to know that I'm not alone in this.

And from the 45 min point onwards, the run suddenly seems do-able and you feel quite proud to be out and running.

But there are still some things that you can count on happening at some point during the rest of your run.

1) You'll get trapped behind 2 or 3 people who are doing a spectacular job of hogging the entire pavement / pathway and are completely oblivious to the world around them or the red faced puffing runner trapped behind them

2) Despite having watched you run towards them for the last 30 seconds, a bunch of people at the bus stop will make zero effort to move or make any space to let you through but instead will stand gormlessly in your way.

Let's take a few moments to consider how annoying these people are. Look; here are some specimens:

Moving swiftly on...

3) a dog will chase your heels (sometimes embarrassingly)

4) you'll get distracted by a fellow runner coming towards you who's much faster than you, has a bigger stride, looks like they have run further, has snazzier running gear and is generally finding it all much easier.

5) As aforementioned runner passes you, you will trip and stumble. (This is the law of Sod, and is particularly applicable if the runner is a hottie)

6) You iPod shuffle delivers a spectacularly awful 'running song' your way and all of a sudden the ache in your butt, back and feet is worse, your lungs are tighter and your legs feel like jelly

7) Your iPod shuffle delivers Your Disco Needs You (live in London) by La Minogue, and all of a sudden you could run for another ten miles, no worries.

Think I'm going to officially submit this track as Best Song To Run To ever.

Or is that just me? Suspect it might be...

Either way, I'm now doing just over 10 miles in 1hr 50, and I'm pleased with that.

It's all about the view...

The advantages of training for a marathon is that it does force you to get off your butt and discover the great outdoors.

Unfortunately, if you live in W3, the great outdoors resembles something much like this:

Fortunately, just a small hop, skip and jump (or jog) away is the lovely Thames pathway.

Much nicer...

I'm learning that that runners are an industrious little bunch of people, and there's a whole online community where people share top running routes and favourite training areas.

So following a short dig around on some nifty training route-plotting website, I found a recommended running route which followed the river from Hammersmith Bridge to Barnes Bridge and back again (that's 12k, or 8.5miles if you please... Can i get a whoop-whoop?).

Although it was a freezing cold winter day, running through good ol' ancient west London along the river was pretty inspirational. It was almost enjoyable.

The Barnes stretch of the river is -for those not in the know- where the Cambridge / Oxford boat race takes place and the river is lined with many rowing clubs. Even in minus-C conditions there were some rowers out training.

They were the first people I saw during the entire hour-and-a-bit long run that I didn't envy.

It was bloody cold.

But the sight of them puffing along the river with bright red faces and very raw looking arms / hands did inspire me to a) keep going and b) get off the bridge ASAP coz there was a distinct wind chill factor.

But it was the furthest I've run so far and the truth is I could've kept going for a bit longer. And, most importantly, there was no further hamstring trouble thanks to three cracking (pun intended) trips to the chiropractor.

I'm taking this as a good sign... Here's to beating the 1hr 30min barrier.

But for that I'm going to have to find a longer route with an equally inspiring view...